5 Awesome Ways to Kick The Bucket

             I'm sitting in front of this normal size screen thinking about my normal seeming job contemplating my normal day that's about to transpire, wondering when will it end. I thought it was supposed to happen in October.....wrong....I've ........we've survived yet again another "apocalypse" predicted date, CONGRATULATIONS EVERYONE!!!! Harold Camping, is now one of many self-proclaimed geniuses that realized that he's not any more special than Nostradamus and those who interpret his dreams more than they should. I won't lie....when I saw the video of his speech, I became worried, he's rather compelling in his efforts and the first step to make everyone believe in you: Is to believe in yourself......

              But this stirred some neurons in my brain and had me thinking (rare, actually). If i were to bite the big one, how would it happen. Furthermore, how would I want it to happen......hmm?

Let Us Begin!




Asian cuisine is either getting livelier or lazier!

1. Death By Food   

      

    Ok, so to many that may say, "People die from strained arteries and blood pressure complications due to food consumption, all the time!"  SHUT UP!  I don't mean from overeating, well sort of, I'm talking straight overdose on goodness. You go to a pizza joint and for the 1st time, get the Cheese Lovers, with extra cheesey cheesed cheese and get it fresh out of the oven. You disregard the fact that it's hotter than the untouched area behind a fat chick's knees, no, you destroy it! As the cheese stretches further from your face you don't cut the line there, you go back for more cheese and bread. After you've consumed enough cheese to stretch across Wrigley's field you notice you can't breathe, you try to dislodge the cheese from your esophagus but the 3-inch wide concoction just won't budge. Also wouldn't hurt to mention you didn't know you were allergic to cheese!





Enjoy this time my friend. Enjoy!

2.  Death By Dream

    I'll make this one short and sweet, you're having that dream where you've been escorted to the bedroom by Jessica Alba or Nicki Minaj or Beyonce' (males) or Brad Cooper or Idris Elba or me (see what I did there) who gives a poop. By now this dream has been going on for 5 minutes now and you've come to the offset revelation that THIS IS A DREAM!  Who cares? You're in it. The clothes are off and it's go time and suddenly you realize that whoever your fantasy person is, has the vulcan death grip on you right now and is choking you something serious. You go along with the dream never fully realizing you passed out from mean S&M with someone far from Rhianna and never spoke the safe word. Boom goes the dynamite....




 

 You're badass until...SNIPERS!

3. Death By Assumption

   Ok, so let's not assume that you DON'T know that you can't say the "N" word to your black friend. You can't say that to anyone!  You're black too.....oh, that's a different story....NO!  Contrary to what you think is fair, you don't have the right to say this because some people still take offense to it. Show some respect.  On the other hand to presume that you are impenetrable and stand in front of a tornado would be....clearing throat......AWESOME BEYOND ALL F**CKING REASON!!  It would fling you around like Darth Vader using the force against a malnourished kitten!
Or toss a house at you before ever completely reaching you.

He's a killer date......yeah, that's all i had!

4. Death By Death
  
   Yeah, Death is portrayed in such a light hearted fashion that I would like to hang with the guy just before you take the dirt road home. The dude ran down Flo-Jo, rocked an afro that would make Black Dynamite jealous, and would be a perfect stuntman for Joan Rivers if she ever needed one. He doesn't even seem as though he takes his jobs seriously. Take for example, the douchebags in Final Destination 2-5 or however many there are. These aren't normal kills these are well thought out Mouse Trap board game type contraptions that he rigged up to mangle his victims....and the best part is I'm pretty sure 95% of them never suspected a thing nor feel it when it happens. Wonderful! Party up and do wild shenanigans up until minute 0.  

Unknown fact: This kick made him bald!

5. Death By Bruce Lee

   DAMN SKIPPY!  The 5th and greatest way to lease a coffin would be by getting Karate Kicked in Slow-Mo fashion straight in the chest cavity by the one...... and the only BRUCE LEE!  Why would I say this is the most awesomest fantistical way to get offed? Why?  Because he's the greatest fighter who ever lived that's why, you could lose this fight and no one would look at you like you were a total puss.  Even if you survived, your friends would just stand over your paralyzed body and look at the heart monitor and go, "Dude, that crazy son of a b*tch lived through, 5 f*cking round house kicks and a flying dragon kick!"  You'll be peeing with assistance from then on. But we can't stop there, we're going for the whole enchilada here, we want the pearly gates baby.  He ripped something out of your body that you didn't even know you had, they never talked about this in college, it was blue! WTF?! Who knows.... you might come back as the freaking Crow (who by the way turns out to be his son) or a hybrid shark (these do exist now). Statistically speaking.......get killed by Bruce Lee = superstardom. 

   Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is later inducted into the hall of fame after breaking numerous records post excruciating ass lashing!  Jackie Chan, in "Enter The Dragon".........this is the star of Rush Hour that we're speaking of here, he had his neck snapped by Mr. Lee and now he breaks a bone and heals from it in 2 hours. Chuck Norris...........do we even have to explain this one? Bruce did everything to this guy, minus Halo-style tea bagging him after victory. Honorably mentioning that he ripped out a Tom Berenger mustache size hairroid from his chest!  And now Sir Charles Norris is whooping World of Warcraft ass and drop kicking whales and sh*t. Who else do you know can do a mid-air roundhouse kick wearing skinny jeans and a cowboy hat. NOBODY! That's all that I have to say about that!

  Oh yeah, Bolo Yeung would've been on this list but, he lost his whoop-assery juice after he lost in "Bloodsport" with Jean Claude Van Damme and then again by the same French tard in Double Impact!